Yin, Yang, & Yoga

I decided to try my hand (actually my whole body) at Yoga. A good friend of mine suggested that it was a great way to work through life stresses and exercise the muscles. I did a little Googling and discovered that Yoga is often recommended for women over 35, for various reasons. I signed up online for a one week trial at the local Pink Lotus Yoga Center.  Being the overly ambitious, jump right in, type A that I tend to be, I chose a different class every day for the following seven days. Yup. You read that right…SEVEN days: Friday to Friday. They offer a large variety of classes and I wanted to get the most out of my one week trial (and the money I paid for that trial). I dressed in what I thought was appropriate Yoga attire & headed out for my first class. I walked in fifteen minutes early and the experience began. First of all, let me say that the class could not be more appropriately decorated or located. It’s in the Old Mill building, complete with rugged rock walls and gypsy-like décor. I love it.

I signed in and watched all of the seasoned, experienced yogis and followed along like a hesitantly excited puppy. I grabbed my mat roll, two blocks, a blanket and a bolster. I found a comfy spot near the middle, yet close to a window. I sat in what appeared to be the standard Yoga-style sitting. Then, suddenly, I noticed everyone else was barefoot. Ok. I admit, I should’ve known that yoga was a barefoot-princess type sport. I got a little freaked. How many people had walked on these rock floors? How often had they been washed (or NOT washed). I swallowed my anxiety and slowly removed my socks and shoes (gulp).  Oops, I digress…

The class began and it took all of 10 minutes for me to be all in. I followed directions, copied poses, opened my heart and my mind and found the poses to be surprisingly comfortable to perform. I can do this, I thought!  I can’t wait for tomorrow’s class.  The 75-minute class went by in a flash. As a side note, at the close of the session, the instructor says a little mantra about going forward and doing good things, which I found very inspiring.  I attended the next two classes and was equally enthralled with hem.

Three classes down and it’s Monday. Monday’s class is “Gentle Yin.”  I was feeling a bit under the weather from all the pollen that keeps trying to bully my sinuses and considered cancelling. “Oh,” I thought, “it’s the Gentle class, though. It’ll be relaxing.” Beginning to feel much like one of the regular yogis, I found my usual spot, took on the starting position, and got ready. Oh wow, was I in for a treat (insert snarky grin and a little eye-rolling here). 

I vaguely remember the instructor giving this little speech about how this Yin Yoga was a good way to “let go” of the negative things that plague us and that it can be difficult for some people. How was I supposed to know she was talking to me???  The class consists of six spine poses held in “relaxation” positions for seven minutes each with a short stretching session between. The first pose lasted forever. I was pretty darn sure it was way longer than seven minutes. I readjusted. I fixed my bolster pillow. I put a block under my hip. I tightened my pony tail. I scratched my ear. I resituated myself (a few times). Someone across the room was breathing in an almost-snore rhythm. Someone else made a whistle sound each time she exhaled.  The couple next to me had on matching bracelets. I couldn’t concentrate, for God’s sake! There was nothing to concentrate on. By pose three, my inability to relax was quite obvious. The instructor came over (I heard her coming), laid beside me and we had a short whisper-voice conference. “It’s really hard for some,” she said with empathy. “Your body is reluctant to let go,” she explained. She tapped my back and my hips and made some suggestions. “Just breathe in and relax here,” she suggested. I thought, “I AM relaxing!! My body just won’t listen!” I realized in that instant that I was the ADHD person in the room…there truly is no existing Yin to my Yang. I struggled through the next three poses and when the class was finally over, I quickly gathered my Yoga accessories and headed for the door. The teacher stopped me, she was so kind and looked at me so sweetly. “Those that struggle the most with this class,” she said, “need it the most.”  I’ve been chewing on that all week (but that’s for another post). 

I am so plagued by thoughts of my inability to sit still and/or to relax. I Googled again. Evidently, Yin and Yang are supposed to go hand-in-hand as contrary forces that are interconnected and balance each other. I’m out of balance. I have to go back. I will go back.  After all, I have to (somehow) find the Yin to my Yang.  Stay tuned.

Check it out: 

For information on The Pink Lotus Yoga Center     

http://www.pinklotusyogacenter.com/

For more Yoga humor:

http://www.rodalesorganiclife.com/wellbeing/10-things-a-yoga-teacher-learns-about-you-within-the-first-5-minutes-of-class

Choose Marriage

Lessons about Marriage from a Divorcee

So often when discussing married life with my still married friends, I catch myself saying, “Who am I to give advice? After all, I am divorced.”  Just last week I was talking relationships with a friend and I dropped my famous line. She immediately retorted, “WHO better to give advice than a divorced person?” I’ve spent a week chewing on that. She has a point, I told myself. Who better to give advice than one who tried and failed and has spent years looking back, reflectively? That’s me.  Since I separated from and, subsequently, divorced my husband, I’ve spent countless hours analyzing our 15 years of marriage, identifying errors & indiscretions (both his and mine), pondering possible solutions, and wishing I’d had been a different wife. Perhaps divorce was our fate. Perhaps we could’ve/should’ve tried harder, or for longer. Those things, I’ll never know.

Here, for what it's worth, is what I do know:

Show up.

Showing up, ready to work is 50% of the job, any job. Marriage is a job. So, show up. Be present. Be available.  Be attentive.

First & Last

Make your spouse the first person you say good morning to and the last person you say goodnight to (not your children, not your pets, not FaceBook). Your waking thoughts should involve your spouse and so should your dozing-off thoughts. When they don’t, there’s a bigger problem.

Say what you need to say.

Convey your thoughts and feelings to your spouse. He deserves to hear them, to ponder them, to reflect on them, and to use them to better know you. You deserve to be heard, to share your thoughts and emotions, and to feel free to use your voice.  Bottled up thoughts and feelings fester and will, eventually, spew. It is much more difficult to listen and to understand thoughts that are conveyed out of frustration or anger. Avoid that. Think first, then speak. Never stew. Never spew.

Save the sarcasm.

There is a fine line between being sarcastic and being witty. Skip the sarcasm at home. Save your sarcasm for being the life of the party, for making your friends laugh, or for the rude cashier at the drive through. Spare your spouse. Don’t use sarcasm to give your emotions a voice. You’ll be misperceived and misunderstood. Sarcasm is passive aggressive and, all too often, hurtful.

Go to bed mad.

I’ve always heard that you should never go to bed mad. Boooooy, do I disagree. When making any big life decisions, we’re always advised to “sleep on it.” I find that to be much better advice. It’s ok to go to bed angry.  It’s okay to sleep on it. You’ll probably discover that when the next morning rolls around, you’ll feel less agitated than you did the night before. You’ll be more rested and probably thinking more coherently. Your thoughts will be easier to convey and, probably, better understood. Go to bed mad. Wake up rested.

Apologize.

It takes two: two to get along and two to argue. Apologize when you’re wrong (and you will be wrong). Apologize sincerely. Apologize even if you don’t understand. Apologize even if you don’t agree. Apologize simply for hurting his feelings. Apologies move mountains.

Do YOU.

It’s so easy to merge yourself with your partner, especially in the early years. But I caution you to not let yourself get lost in the “you” you are with him. Stay in touch with yourself: the things that you like to do, the healthy habits that you’ve formed, the parts of your personality that make you unique. Marriage is about compromise and synergy, not sacrificing. You can synergize yourself with his self but don’t sacrifice your wants, your needs, your likes, your hobbies, or your dreams. You’ll grow resentful and the marriage will cease to flourish. It will flounder and begin to fail. Be YOU. Do YOU. He will love you for you.

Don’t BE grateful.

Don’t be grateful. Gratitude is silent.  SHOW grateful. We often feel appreciation that we struggle to portray to our significant other. Contemplate what makes him feel grateful and learn to show it in a way that he can perceive as appreciation. Don’t be too proud to compliment or to say thank you. Give your gratitude a voice.

Bridge the gap.

As life happens, you will occasionally grow apart. It will happen but it doesn’t mean it’s the end. Make the effort to bridge the gap before it becomes a great divide. Stay alert. Notice the gaps as they form. Like any other small problem in life, it’s best to address it early on before it grows and is irreparable. Practice damage control. Bridge the gaps, quickly and efficiently.

If you want a partner, be a partner.

It’s the golden rule of marriage: be what you want your partner to be. If you want him to work with you, work with him. If you want him to make you feel loved, make him feel loved. If you want him to appreciate you, appreciate him.  If you want him to be affectionate, show him affectionate. It’s easier said than done. Believe me, I know. But, it CAN be done.  

Choose marriage.

In today’s world, divorce is widely accepted and often seems to be the “easier” route. However, it’s a choice to give up.  It’s a choice to get divorced. Choose marriage, until and unless you have NO choice. For as long as you feel you have a choice, choose marriage.

Note: Because I am a heterosexual woman, I default and refer to a spouse as "he." However, the road runs both ways, folks.