Choose Marriage

Lessons about Marriage from a Divorcee

So often when discussing married life with my still married friends, I catch myself saying, “Who am I to give advice? After all, I am divorced.”  Just last week I was talking relationships with a friend and I dropped my famous line. She immediately retorted, “WHO better to give advice than a divorced person?” I’ve spent a week chewing on that. She has a point, I told myself. Who better to give advice than one who tried and failed and has spent years looking back, reflectively? That’s me.  Since I separated from and, subsequently, divorced my husband, I’ve spent countless hours analyzing our 15 years of marriage, identifying errors & indiscretions (both his and mine), pondering possible solutions, and wishing I’d had been a different wife. Perhaps divorce was our fate. Perhaps we could’ve/should’ve tried harder, or for longer. Those things, I’ll never know.

Here, for what it's worth, is what I do know:

Show up.

Showing up, ready to work is 50% of the job, any job. Marriage is a job. So, show up. Be present. Be available.  Be attentive.

First & Last

Make your spouse the first person you say good morning to and the last person you say goodnight to (not your children, not your pets, not FaceBook). Your waking thoughts should involve your spouse and so should your dozing-off thoughts. When they don’t, there’s a bigger problem.

Say what you need to say.

Convey your thoughts and feelings to your spouse. He deserves to hear them, to ponder them, to reflect on them, and to use them to better know you. You deserve to be heard, to share your thoughts and emotions, and to feel free to use your voice.  Bottled up thoughts and feelings fester and will, eventually, spew. It is much more difficult to listen and to understand thoughts that are conveyed out of frustration or anger. Avoid that. Think first, then speak. Never stew. Never spew.

Save the sarcasm.

There is a fine line between being sarcastic and being witty. Skip the sarcasm at home. Save your sarcasm for being the life of the party, for making your friends laugh, or for the rude cashier at the drive through. Spare your spouse. Don’t use sarcasm to give your emotions a voice. You’ll be misperceived and misunderstood. Sarcasm is passive aggressive and, all too often, hurtful.

Go to bed mad.

I’ve always heard that you should never go to bed mad. Boooooy, do I disagree. When making any big life decisions, we’re always advised to “sleep on it.” I find that to be much better advice. It’s ok to go to bed angry.  It’s okay to sleep on it. You’ll probably discover that when the next morning rolls around, you’ll feel less agitated than you did the night before. You’ll be more rested and probably thinking more coherently. Your thoughts will be easier to convey and, probably, better understood. Go to bed mad. Wake up rested.

Apologize.

It takes two: two to get along and two to argue. Apologize when you’re wrong (and you will be wrong). Apologize sincerely. Apologize even if you don’t understand. Apologize even if you don’t agree. Apologize simply for hurting his feelings. Apologies move mountains.

Do YOU.

It’s so easy to merge yourself with your partner, especially in the early years. But I caution you to not let yourself get lost in the “you” you are with him. Stay in touch with yourself: the things that you like to do, the healthy habits that you’ve formed, the parts of your personality that make you unique. Marriage is about compromise and synergy, not sacrificing. You can synergize yourself with his self but don’t sacrifice your wants, your needs, your likes, your hobbies, or your dreams. You’ll grow resentful and the marriage will cease to flourish. It will flounder and begin to fail. Be YOU. Do YOU. He will love you for you.

Don’t BE grateful.

Don’t be grateful. Gratitude is silent.  SHOW grateful. We often feel appreciation that we struggle to portray to our significant other. Contemplate what makes him feel grateful and learn to show it in a way that he can perceive as appreciation. Don’t be too proud to compliment or to say thank you. Give your gratitude a voice.

Bridge the gap.

As life happens, you will occasionally grow apart. It will happen but it doesn’t mean it’s the end. Make the effort to bridge the gap before it becomes a great divide. Stay alert. Notice the gaps as they form. Like any other small problem in life, it’s best to address it early on before it grows and is irreparable. Practice damage control. Bridge the gaps, quickly and efficiently.

If you want a partner, be a partner.

It’s the golden rule of marriage: be what you want your partner to be. If you want him to work with you, work with him. If you want him to make you feel loved, make him feel loved. If you want him to appreciate you, appreciate him.  If you want him to be affectionate, show him affectionate. It’s easier said than done. Believe me, I know. But, it CAN be done.  

Choose marriage.

In today’s world, divorce is widely accepted and often seems to be the “easier” route. However, it’s a choice to give up.  It’s a choice to get divorced. Choose marriage, until and unless you have NO choice. For as long as you feel you have a choice, choose marriage.

Note: Because I am a heterosexual woman, I default and refer to a spouse as "he." However, the road runs both ways, folks.